Gridiron for Leg Irons

In the winter of
Nineteen hundred and sixty-four
Something was going on,
Called the Vietnam War.

But all we could hear,
At the stadium that night
Was the roar of the crowd,
As we continued our fight.

But older friends
Had joined the fray,
And died in a swamp
Many worlds away.

The play was called.
And I started my run.
As another friend died
Under the gun.

The play I remember
Was Buck- forty-five
As the government kept telling
Us, lie after lie.

Then came the day
They said I must go.
But I stood on the line and shouted
My NO!!

They locked me in chains,
Both hands and
Both feet.
But the mind of the boy
Would not face defeat.

The judge said,
Son, “what will you do?”
I said, “Your honor.
It is all up to you.”

If you think I was wrong, then
To jail, I must go.
If you believe I was right
There’s a great Broadway show.
Perhaps we could go.

And with those words
In the blink of an eye
I traded the gridiron
For leg irons
And two years
At Danbury FCI.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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Once There Was a Time

Once there was a time. It was a perfect storm of music, issues, and people all coming together at just the right time in just the right way in just the right places. Once there was a time that I think will never be equaled, and sometimes when I feel old—and those times happen more and more to me every day now—I see something or hear some music from the 1960’s and very early 1970’s, and I remember and  I smile. I smile knowing that yes, once there was a time, and I was there.

A very good friend told me once that I was his favorite hippie, and I told him it was likely that I am the only hippie he knows given our age difference and that we old hippie radio DJs are a dying breed.

I think many younger people today, and even some in my age group who might have somehow escaped the scars of the sixties, don’t realize that their idea of hippie is not what they might think. All hippies were not pot heads dancing naked at Woodstock or jamming to the Dead at the Fillmore. To me and to a lot of others, it was a belief, a lifestyle, and a commitment that while the world was not perfect, we could and would make it better.

I said “scars of the sixties” because of something I call “movement casualties.” We are the survivors who once believed so strongly in–and forgive me for using these terms—peace and love and making changes for the better, and then we watched as all our hopes crumbled. We watched as John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King fell to hatred stronger than our love. We watched as Brian Epstein, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Ron “Pigpen” McKernan­­­­­­­­, ­­Phil Ochs, and many others left us behind. But we kept on believing, and maybe for many the final blow came when John Lennon was killed.

We old hippies learned that all the things we thought we could do were not strong enough to stop bullets of hate or the despair of a drug overdose or a raging social or political lunatic.

My friend replied to my statement about being a dying breed by telling me it was time to pass the torch and joked that he would start growing out what was left of his hair, growing it long. I said the tie dye was optional, but he would need either a peace earring or a pendant.

Just recently I realized that I was indeed tired. Maybe I had continued the struggle longer than most and got tired of trying. I posted this on Facebook last Wednesday: “I quit. I am tired of jokers and fools and arguments. I am tired of trying to convince anyone that certain things are just plain wrong, so I quit. I tried. Now go on and believe what you want, do what you want, and say what you want because it has become obvious that nothing, I can say will make a difference in your way of thinking. So, I quit.

Maybe I should go put on some Grateful Dead or John Lennon music and remember and be glad that once there was a time. It was a perfect storm of music, issues, and people all coming together at just the right time in just the right way in just the right places. And I was there.

But then I remember what my friend Daniel Berrigan said when he turned 80 and was asked when he would stop resisting and struggling for change. He said, “The day after I’m embalmed, that’s when I’ll give it up.” He remained true to those words until he died at 95.

The Secret of the Cracks

In the light of yesterday’s Nightmare No waking hour And again today No bell To end the night And bring the light To close The pain The night did bring To end this bad dream Tomorrow will come I pray it so But yet it brings Another day on sadness row Against the curse of … Continue reading “The Secret of the Cracks”

In the light of yesterday’s
Nightmare
No waking hour
And again today
No bell
To end the night
And bring the light
To close
The pain
The night did bring
To end this bad dream
Tomorrow will come
I pray it so
But yet it brings
Another day on sadness row
Against the curse of time
No matter the defenses
The consequences
Death is the unavoidable nemesis.

I sat today in a church
Not my church
Staring at the life-size cross
Of wood
With cracks in seams
It seems the cracks are the same
As in my dreams
Sacrifice the blood
Give up the body
Lose life
The heart breaks
Split like the wood
​Yet life goes on
It has no choice
Just as the cross does not fall
It has no choice
It hangs by ropes
Tethered to the ceiling
Away from the floor
But reaching neither
So it hangs instead
As if trapped between heaven and hell
It never fell
Its cracks showing the assault of time
Like the body as it gives in
Too many days too many nights
Too long the fight
Too small the hope
Life cracks and splits like wood
The cracks
Healing not
Left in the heart
Hang on
No place to go
But the journey continues
Left hopeless to begin or end
Only to hold on and await
The waves of time
Until the final lonely moment
Takes me under
Then maybe I too will know
The secret of the cracks.

Someplace, to Rachael

I still have the picture

And the memory of a cold snowy night

In Washington

In the early 1970s, I was living in Washington, D.C., as part of CCNV, the Community for Creative Non-Violence. I would get gigs speaking at coffee houses, bars, and the occasional college or university. It was all part of CCNV’s outreach, attempts to bring awareness, first to the Vietnam War, and later in D.C. to the brutal conditions of the homeless population. Sometimes my appearances were only personal, reading poetry I had written either as a child or young adult or before, during, or after prison. It was at one of those personal times, a time when I was feeling overpowered with loneliness and confusion while reading in a coffee house/bar just off DuPont Circle, that I met Rachael. Rachael was a military brat whose dad worked at the Pentagon and just saying hello to me could have caused all kinds of problems at home, but she did say hello at a time when I desperately needed someone to say hello. I know at the time we both needed a friendly hello.

( podcast reading at bottom of the poem)

I’m balancing on a barstool

Caught in a solitary light

Reading my poetry

In a coffee shop

Just off DuPont circle.

 

The night is cold

Snow falling in quiet wisp

Like little wintry feathers

Searching for angels lost in hell.

 

You’re listening to me

Tilting your head just so to one side

Chin cradled in the palm of your hand

Arm curving to rest

On the wooden table where

A glass of wine sits waiting

Untouched.

 

Your ring sparkles,

Held in the soft glow of Tiffany

Like a beacon

Guiding the way

To you.

 

It clings close to your finger

Afraid of slipping away

Afraid to be lost

Lost in the dark

Lost in the cold

Lost in the lonely.

 

We spent that night

And more together

Clinging close to each other

In frightened desperation

Afraid of slipping away

Afraid to be lost

Lost in the dark

Lost in the cold

Lost in the lonely.

 

One morning you were gone

Leaving a picture.

You’re tilting your head just so to one side

Chin resting

Cradled in the palm of your hand

Arm curving away

Leaving me

Like your wine

Untouched.

 

Your final words

Fading in my memory

Like the image you left:

“If you ever need or want a warm place to stay

You know where to find me.”

 

That was more than 50 years ago.

I have never looked for you

Even when I was cold and lonely.

 

I don’t remember the name of the coffee shop

And I’ve lost the old poetry

But I do remember you

And the ring

And how you would tilt your head just so

To one side.

 

I still have the picture

And the memory of a cold snowy night

In Washington

Tucked away safely

Caught Red-Handed

I remember thanking her, and as I rolled back to sleep I realized that if it were true, that the war was over, then this would be the first time in my adult life that I would not have the Specter of Death, the Vietnam War, skulking around the corners of my life. What would I do now?

Beginning at the age of 16, there was one big scythe swinging over me, ready to chop me down like the end-of-summer wheat and anything my future might hold. Any success I would ever have in love and life hinged almost daily on the events in a land very far away that many had never heard of. And the scariest part of all was having little control over how these events would shape the immediate years of my life. It all depended on how the reapers in D.C. would handle them. All the power was resting in the hands of a few old men hungry for dominance and embarrassed by failure. But at 3 a.m. on January 23, 1973, a friend woke me to tell me that the Vietnam War had ended.  I remember thanking her, and as I rolled back to sleep I realized that if it were true, that the war was over, then this would be the first time in my adult life that I would not have the Specter of Death, the Vietnam War, skulking around the corners of my life. What would I do now?

At the time, I was living at the corner of 13th and Euclid street in Washington, D.C., a part of the U Street Corridor, sometimes called Cardozo/Shaw or Cardozo. From the 1920s until the 1960s it was the city’s black entertainment hub called Black Broadway and the heart of black culture in D.C. I lived there in the 1970s before the area fell to the sickle of gentrification, changing the demographics.

The house I lived in was part of the larger Community for Creative Non-Violence, simply known as CCNV. The house had been started by Mitch Snyder who would later become known as one of the most influential people ever involved in the struggle to help the homeless and was the subject of a made-for-television 1986 biopic Samaritan: The Mitch Snyder Story, starring Martin Sheen. We worked closely with our companion house in Baltimore called Jonah House, which had been started by Phil Berrigan, a Roman Catholic priest, after he was released from Danbury Federal Prison, a residence he had been given by the powers-that-were because of his acts of civil disobedience against the Vietnam War. Before this, as a priest in the deep south, Phil had been involved in the civil rights movement and the freedom rides and was one of the first white priests, if not the first, to take part in a civil rights march in the south.

But now we all had a question, the same question that paced through my dreams that night in January. What do we do now? Where to put all the energy that once went into bringing an end to the war? Resistance to oppression in all its ugliest forms from racism to war must continue.  Mitch and the rest of the Euclid Street members felt that helping the homeless was the greatest need. Phil Berrigan and Liz McAlister and the rest of the Jonah House people felt that nuclear disarmament was where we should put our efforts. Because I had started life in the “Atomic City” of Oak Ridge, Tennessee, where my dad had worked for the Manhattan Project, I grew up with some of his thoughts on nuclear weapons and war, and I was leaning toward the Jonah House group, which I joined, and moved to Baltimore.

While refreshing my memory of my time with Jonah House, I came across a line written by Phil Berrigan and Liz McAlister in their book The Time’s Discipline: The Beatitudes and Nuclear Resistance from November 1975: “Dan Sanders, Jim McNeil, and Phil Berrigan painted ‘Disarm Now’ at the embassies of the nuclear club.” This “club” was all the countries having nuclear capabilities, and in fact, we had done that at the British, Indian, and French embassies with stencils we had made the night before and cans of red spray paint. So armed, we left Jonah House in Baltimore under cover of night and drove to Washington, D.C. with our maps and previous reconnaissance (remember, this is 1975, a time before computers, cell phones, and GPS systems).

It was a cold windy night in November as we made our way around corners and under cameras. Looking back now, I think I may have felt almost Ninja-like—Dan Sanders, Peace Ninja—yeah, that was me. But we soon ran into one big problem, the wind. While spraying the stencils to the sides of the buildings the wind blew and the red paint ended up all over our hands. But we completed our mission and moved on to the next embassy. At around two in the morning, as we roamed about looking for the Russian embassy, it became clear that either the Russians had heard about us and moved the embassy or we had the wrong address based on or own bad intel, but we continued the search.

I always seemed to be the driver on our adventures, but it wasn’t for a quick getaway, not in a VW bug, and when I saw the flashing lights and unmistakable sound of a police car siren in back of us, I pulled over and a plain-clothes government guy with a plain face got out of his plain-looking car and walked toward me. I remember looking at Phil and saying I think we are done for this night. As the plain-looking man stood at the car window asking for all the necessary documents, driver’s license and registration, I knew we were done for more than the night when I handed him these things with hands covered in red paint. The three of us were quickly handcuffed and taken off to jail, and to this day I do not know what part of D.C. we were taken to. The three of us were put into one cell and the processing began, as one by one we were taken out for interrogation. I imagine they wanted to compare the stories they got from each of us. They took me first, and I was asked by the plain-looking man in the plain-looking clothes what it was we were trying to do. His plain face did not break into even a plain-looking smile when I said we were trying to find a hardware store for more red spray paint. Phil was the next to be interrogated, leaving me and Jim in the cell. Jim, a seminary student, asked what kind of time I thought we might be facing and I said considering we defaced the property of three foreign governments I figured about 5 years apiece or 15 years, and Jim gasped and said, “I can’t do 15 years. I have a test next week!” 

We were held overnight but released the next day when the British, the only ones to react, dropped the charges. But from that shaky red-handed beginning almost 50 years ago people like Elizabeth (Liz) McAlister, peace activist and former nun of the Religious of the Sacred Heart of Mary, and others at Jonah House still carry on what is now known as the Plowshares movement, so-called from the writing of the prophet Isaiah who urged the people to “beat their swords into plowshares” and learn war no more. Their aim is to stop nuclear proliferation, and they were still in jail as recently as the fall of 2019 for nonviolently and symbolically disarming the Trident nuclear submarine base in Kings Bay, Georgia, on April 4, 2018. I am so proud to have been part of the beginning of that continuing effort.

From the Shores of Styx, The Unbroken Circle.

­

A baby cries from

The shores of Styx

A child cries from the darkness

Of a ghetto

A baby cries

And a child cries

A mother cries

As a father dies

A war starts

Jobs end

House is lost

A father dies

The child grows

The child says why

But the man knows

Like those before him knew

And so

The child sighed

As the man dies

From the shoes of Styx

From the deepest part of Stygian

A baby cries again

Screaming out of the darkness

Crawling out of the gloom

Refusing to keep the circle

The child from the darkest recesses of Stygian

Screams I will fight

For light and though I may lose

And die alone in the dark

I will have created a glimmer

Of hope

As the man cries

The woman dies

And once again

A child rises from the darkness of Stygian

Screaming I will create light

And the circle remains

Unbroken.

**In Greek mythology, Styx is a deity and a river that forms the boundary between earth and the underworld(the domain often called Hades, which also is the name of its ruler). The rivers Styx, Phlegethon, Acheron, Lethe, and Cocytus all converge at the center of the underworld on a great marsh, which sometimes is also called the Styx. According to Herodotus, the river Styx originates near Feneos. Styx is also a goddess with prehistoric roots in Greek mythology as a daughter of Tethys, after whom the river is named and because of whom it had miraculous powers.

Hurt and Hope

Hi, it’s me, the bleeding heart, the angry young man growing old but no less angry, watching dreams disappear along with friends and lovers. It’s me, remembering places and people that seem as fresh in my mind as if they were standing before me today. Some left me only recently, some so many years ago that I have to squint through the fog of time to call them back. I have scars left by lovers and friends but maybe none cut as deep as the scars left by lost hope.

I think I know why we are given only a certain amount of years to walk the earth. It’s because the pain of living would drive us insane if we had to endure more than one short lifetime here. Someone asked me recently when the pain of personal loss, the death of a loved one, would get better, and I answered this way. I said sometimes you will drift on relatively calm waters, your emotions rising and falling with some predictable current, and then whoosh, a tidal wave of pain takes your body and slams it against a seabed of hurt. It knocks the breath out of you and tumbles you around until you don’t know which way to go or how to escape, and you’re sure you’re going to die. In fact, you almost welcome that possibility. But then slowly a small light breaks through the swirling tides and gradually the air returns to your body, and you learn how to float again.

Some people set themselves up for a different kind of hurt, and I am one of them. We are the ones who never learned to color inside the lines, never learned or even tried to fit inside the pigeonhole or the cubicle, and never learned the art of keeping our mouths shut when we see injustice, hunger, war, prejudice, bigotry, and hate in all its ugly forms. We were the radicals and the prisoners of the 1960s. We marched in Selma and sang at Woodstock. And please don’t call us liberals. I surpassed that label many years ago. In fact, I think I was born a radical headed straight for outrage.

We are the young and old who recently felt a movement taking place. We believed that one man had an idea that would ignite a flame of change. But the worst president this country will ever know (at least I hope there will be no one worse), and also the worst human being I have ever watched strut around a stage (if I dare use the term human being) was elected. Since then, as many of you know, I have tried to crawl into my virtual cave and create a monastery out of my small place by the sea. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked because there is a little voice of conscience inside my head that keeps screaming “You can’t let this morally bankrupt clown win and you have to keep fighting with every ounce of strength you can muster, even if it’s only with words on Facebook, in blogs, and face to face with those you meet.”

The idea of community has been suggested, and it is an idea I not only agree with but am very familiar with. It can work not only in the form of organizing but by providing the support we all need to survive the hurt of caring too much, and it will help keep us from losing hope again.