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Poem For Pollen

It’s the long-awaited springtime in New England; sometimes, I mark the days until Spring and the hours and minutes. I live for two weeks in the Spring and the third Saturday of August when we have summer. But as much as I love our better weather, I am also an allergy sufferer, and for the first time in many months, I have had my windows open all afternoon, and the pollen is filtering in and is doing a happy dance on my nose. So, I felt obliged to write a poem about pollen.

Poem For Pollen


The pollen is blowing in the air.
And not a matter do I care.
For I’d rather wheeze from
Birds and bees
Than blow ice cycles,
Every time I sneeze.

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Rating: 1 out of 5.
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Laughter Down the Hall

With an exhausted ear,
I lie and listen,
To the crazy laughter,
Down the hall.

Then, gliding quietly back,
Into my own nightmares,
Finding again the same,
Unanswered questions.

I’m frozen in bed,
Unable to speak,
Locked in fear,
Powerless to move.

I listen again,
To the crazy laughter,
Down the hall,
And wonder,

Am I the crazy one,
After all?

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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Gridiron for Leg Irons

In the winter of
Nineteen hundred and sixty-four
Something was going on,
Called the Vietnam War.

But all we could hear,
At the stadium that night
Was the roar of the crowd,
As we continued our fight.

But older friends
Had joined the fray,
And died in a swamp
Many worlds away.

The play was called.
And I started my run.
As another friend died
Under the gun.

The play I remember
Was Buck- forty-five
As the government kept telling
Us, lie after lie.

Then came the day
They said I must go.
But I stood on the line and shouted
My NO!!

They locked me in chains,
Both hands and
Both feet.
But the mind of the boy
Would not face defeat.

The judge said,
Son, “what will you do?”
I said, “Your honor.
It is all up to you.”

If you think I was wrong, then
To jail, I must go.
If you believe I was right
There’s a great Broadway show.
Perhaps we could go.

And with those words
In the blink of an eye
I traded the gridiron
For leg irons
And two years
At Danbury FCI.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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The Night

On my wall, the shadows play.
Shifting shapes with every sway.
Through the forest, deep and dark
The wolf’s howl pierces like a spark.
Across the moon, the dove flies high
A fleeting glimpse in night skies.
As I brush tears from my eyes.

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My Friend Blackie

Good morning. I woke with a breakfast poem in my head. This is also a true story. I did have a pig named blackie when I was about ten years old. I was also a member of the 4-H club. The killing of Blackie is one of the reasons I do not eat meat.

I once had a pig named blackie.
Who lived at the top of the hill
He knew I was coming to feed him.
By the way, I rattle his pail.

He would lie on his back in the sunshine.
And wait for his big belly rubs.
Neither Blackie nor I could imagine
He would soon become breakfast grub.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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Midnight and Me

A wonderful world happens after Midnight.
Lonely and creative hearts come out to play
No longer hushed by the glare of an unforgiving day.

The graveyard shift,
Or so some call it.
A place where
The dead are laid to rest.
With other undesirables.

In radio
And other lonely places
Time passes slowly.
Midnight creeps to 1, then 2
Then to 6 a.m.
It’s where people drift
When there’s no place left to go.

For me, it was my voice, my opinions,
And my music that was my shovel.
Losing myself in thoughts
Alone in the middle of the night.
Ideas and music flowed like wine.
And I lost all track of time.

Then the phone would ring.
Oh no, not a ring!
You can’t have things ringing
In the On-Air studio.
A red flashing light,
Endlessly flashing, flashing, flashing.
Becoming a silent scream
Refusing to be ignored.
Answer me,
Answer me, answer me.
Phone call,
Phone call.
And many flashes later
I answer.

The voice said
“My name is Midnight.
Would you play a song for me?”

A wonderful world happens after Midnight.
Lonely and creative hearts come out to play
No longer hushed by the glare of an unforgiving day.
So do the strange
and the deranged.
A cross-section of life begins to drift
In and out
On the graveyard shift.

The musicians finishing up their gigs.
Dropping by
Because
Where do you go after 2 a.m.
When there is no place to go but home
And home is no place to go.
We had that in common,
The night people
And I,
As we tried to
Be glad to be alone
When all we wanted was to cry.
Sometimes it worked.

Midnight was neither a lonely heart
Nor a musician.
Just a night soul on a quest for tomorrow’s meaning
And yesterday’s reasons.
A late-night spirit who came to listen
Not just to the show
But to the lonely gravedigger.

And then Midnight would listen more
More from this lonely
Drifting vagabond
Wandering through town.
Both the ringmaster
And the clown.

Through so many passages
In my life, Midnight came to listen
Again, and then again.
Helping me through the
The dark dances of a searching soul
The journey of one growing old.
Dreading the dimming of the light.
Cursing the flickering flame
Fading in the middle of a winter’s night.

And many years later
Midnight came and cared again.
I guess I never really let Midnight know
How much they helped to make my life
A possible dream
Keeping me from going too far adrift
there on the graveyard shift.

It’s time I let you know
You gave my life a special glow
Pushing time along.
Your memory travels where I go.
Thank you for all that could have been.
And for what was.
Lost in the glow of life’s footlight.
Now dimming.

Goodnight, Midnight, goodnight.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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Titanium Souls

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The Egg, The Wall, and T-rump

There once was an egg,
Who sat on a wall.
Then one day he stumbled,
and took a great fall.

But that story is old and
told in a rhyme.
And really can’t compare.
To a fall in our time.

When a man from his tower
high in the sky,
thought he could win,
by telling a lie.

And now, like the egg
that his men couldn’t fix.
I’ve grown quite tired.
Of T-rump and his tricks.

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The Scorched Earth

When the last of us remain on this scorched land
We will watch the ancient footage of our folly.
How we spurned the cries of nature and her hand
How we drained the lifeblood of this planet slowly.

We will see the glaciers melt and oceans rise
We will see the forests burn and deserts spread.
We will see storms, floods, droughts, and fires.
We will see the mass extinction of the living dead.

We will wonder how we could have been so blind.
How we could have let our greed destroy our home
How we could have ignored the signs of our decline
How we could have sealed our fate with a catacomb.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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Santa Died Today

A brief introduction to this poem. The Santa referred to here was a friend to me on Facebook, we never met but it is possible to feel a closeness to a person you have shared histories, sadness, and laughter with even if from a distance and for many years. A retired schoolteacher, every year he would look forward to becoming Santa for the children where he lived. It was his brother, also my friend, who posted the news of his passing, and I will deeply miss his daily back-and-forth post with me, he made my solitary life far more bearable than it would have been, and his leaving has made it lonelier.

Santa Died Today

It hurt me more than I knew it would.
When I heard his brother say
The big guy in the bright red suit
Santa died today.

Not the Santa of dreams and lore
But as real as the canes in the candy store
And each year he’d wear the silly suit.
But the beard and hair were from the roots.

Roots of a life well lived.
White as the snow on chimney tops
He never forgot the inner kid.
His love for life never stopped.

I lost one Santa as a youth.
Overhearing whispered truth
And again, it hurts to hear them say.
I’m sorry Santa died today.

 

Rating: 1 out of 5.

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I Tripped over tomorrow

I tripped over tomorrow
Looking back at yesterday
The football fields and beaches
The games we use to play.

I tripped over tomorrow
As it quickly slipped away
We had music we had laughter
Then the world got in the way.

I tripped over tomorrow
It seems to go that way
As tomorrow quickly passes
It becomes my yesterday.

I tripped over tomorrow
But here I choose to stay
I’ll catch tomorrow passing
And remember it someday

2 responses to “I Tripped over tomorrow”

  1. Melody J Haislip Avatar
    Melody J Haislip

    Lovely and so bittersweet. It’s hard to learn to live in the Now.

    Like

    1. Dan Sanders Avatar

      I stopped trying, so I live my life remembering yesterday, hoping for tomorrow, and doing the best I can with the time I’m in.

      Like

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Once There Was a Time

Once there was a time. It was a perfect storm of music, issues, and people all coming together at just the right time in just the right way in just the right places. Once there was a time that I think will never be equaled, and sometimes when I feel old—and those times happen more and more to me every day now—I see something or hear some music from the 1960’s and very early 1970’s, and I remember and  I smile. I smile knowing that yes, once there was a time, and I was there.

A very good friend told me once that I was his favorite hippie, and I told him it was likely that I am the only hippie he knows given our age difference and that we old hippie radio DJs are a dying breed.

I think many younger people today, and even some in my age group who might have somehow escaped the scars of the sixties, don’t realize that their idea of hippie is not what they might think. All hippies were not pot heads dancing naked at Woodstock or jamming to the Dead at the Fillmore. To me and to a lot of others, it was a belief, a lifestyle, and a commitment that while the world was not perfect, we could and would make it better.

I said “scars of the sixties” because of something I call “movement casualties.” We are the survivors who once believed so strongly in–and forgive me for using these terms—peace and love and making changes for the better, and then we watched as all our hopes crumbled. We watched as John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King fell to hatred stronger than our love. We watched as Brian Epstein, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Ron “Pigpen” McKernan­­­­­­­­, ­­Phil Ochs, and many others left us behind. But we kept on believing, and maybe for many the final blow came when John Lennon was killed.

We old hippies learned that all the things we thought we could do were not strong enough to stop bullets of hate or the despair of a drug overdose or a raging social or political lunatic.

My friend replied to my statement about being a dying breed by telling me it was time to pass the torch and joked that he would start growing out what was left of his hair, growing it long. I said the tie dye was optional, but he would need either a peace earring or a pendant.

Just recently I realized that I was indeed tired. Maybe I had continued the struggle longer than most and got tired of trying. I posted this on Facebook last Wednesday: “I quit. I am tired of jokers and fools and arguments. I am tired of trying to convince anyone that certain things are just plain wrong, so I quit. I tried. Now go on and believe what you want, do what you want, and say what you want because it has become obvious that nothing, I can say will make a difference in your way of thinking. So, I quit.

Maybe I should go put on some Grateful Dead or John Lennon music and remember and be glad that once there was a time. It was a perfect storm of music, issues, and people all coming together at just the right time in just the right way in just the right places. And I was there.

But then I remember what my friend Daniel Berrigan said when he turned 80 and was asked when he would stop resisting and struggling for change. He said, “The day after I’m embalmed, that’s when I’ll give it up.” He remained true to those words until he died at 95.

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February 2nd, Now and Then?

Many years ago, I had double pneumonia, a high fever, and was pretty much semiconscious for over a week. As my big old Main Coon cat Pericles kept watch never leaving my side…

There are many interpretations, beliefs and opinions surrounding the number 2. The number is considered by some to be a very powerful angel number that will bring a lot of good things into your life. But the first and the most important meaning of this number is balance. It’s believed if this number keeps appearing in front of you, it means that you need to try to find balance in your life. 

Many years ago, I had double pneumonia, a high fever, and was pretty much semiconscious for over a week. As my big old Main Coon cat Pericles kept watch, never leaving my side except for personal necessities the entire time. This was the first of what would be many times over the years that I had this dream.

The dream was about avoiding death, not once but twice, twice in the same day. In the first part of the dream, I’m in an office building watching businesspeople in suits carrying briefcases rushing from place to place. I’m walking slowly, amazed at the spinning lunacy around me and I notice part of a guard rail is missing and I watch just as someone hurrying and not paying attention fell through the opening and down several stories to their death. The office number I was in front of was 222. In my dream, that same day on my way to get my car I see a crowd of people standing looking down into a huge hole in the road, as I heard one say, “if anyone is in there, they are dead”, it was my car in that hole. The street address was 222.

Since that time the number 222 has shown up in my real world and in my dream world and truthfully, I’m never really sure which is which, but at very rare times, times when something really important either good or not so good was happening or about to happen in my life there has always been the number 222 somehow involved.

I’ve looked this number up from Bible to babble and as I said there are many interpretations.  The number 2 is considered my some to be a very powerful angel number that will bring a lot of good things in your life. Again, the first and the most important meaning of this number is balance. It’s believed that if this number keeps appearing in front of you, it means that you need to try to find balance in your life.

Number 2 is also a symbol of peace and harmony, as well as a symbol of cooperation and consideration. If this number appears in your life very often, it means that you should try to be more co-operative and to have better relations with people around you.

So, truth or fiction, powerful or meaningless, today is February 2, 2020, or 2/22/20. I’ve often wondered what will happen in my life when it reads 2/22/22?

 

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Jackal on My Grave

   Fall’s curtain descends too soon.
In the middle
Of the third act
The lights dim.
Darkness hides
A good actor
In a bad play
Smothering his final words
He bows.
Expecting no roses
No standing cheers
No encore
No bravo
In early dark
Shadows dancing
Way too early
Mistress of light
Will have her way.
To dance in the yard
Like a jackal on my grave.

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A lonely Question

Darkness comes too soon
For the lonely.
Midnight last longer
The pain cuts deeper
Nights never end
Day never begins.
The sadness starts
The aching deep within
Then morning comes
The sun is bright
And you try again.
For what else is there?

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Hurt and Hope

Hi, it’s me, the bleeding heart, the angry young man growing old but no less angry, watching dreams disappear along with friends and lovers. It’s me, remembering places and people that seem as fresh in my mind as if they were standing before me today. Some left me only recently, some so many years ago that I have to squint through the fog of time to call them back. I have scars left by lovers and friends but maybe none cut as deep as the scars left by lost hope.

I think I know why we are given only a certain amount of years to walk the earth. It’s because the pain of living would drive us insane if we had to endure more than one short lifetime here. Someone asked me recently when the pain of personal loss, the death of a loved one, would get better, and I answered this way. I said sometimes you will drift on relatively calm waters, your emotions rising and falling with some predictable current, and then whoosh, a tidal wave of pain takes your body and slams it against a seabed of hurt. It knocks the breath out of you and tumbles you around until you don’t know which way to go or how to escape, and you’re sure you’re going to die. In fact, you almost welcome that possibility. But then slowly a small light breaks through the swirling tides and gradually the air returns to your body, and you learn how to float again.

Some people set themselves up for a different kind of hurt, and I am one of them. We are the ones who never learned to color inside the lines, never learned or even tried to fit inside the pigeonhole or the cubicle, and never learned the art of keeping our mouths shut when we see injustice, hunger, war, prejudice, bigotry, and hate in all its ugly forms. We were the radicals and the prisoners of the 1960s. We marched in Selma and sang at Woodstock. And please don’t call us liberals. I surpassed that label many years ago. In fact, I think I was born a radical headed straight for outrage.

We are the young and old who recently felt a movement taking place. We believed that one man had an idea that would ignite a flame of change. But the worst president this country will ever know (at least I hope there will be no one worse), and also the worst human being I have ever watched strut around a stage (if I dare use the term human being) was elected. Since then, as many of you know, I have tried to crawl into my virtual cave and create a monastery out of my small place by the sea. Unfortunately, it hasn’t worked because there is a little voice of conscience inside my head that keeps screaming “You can’t let this morally bankrupt clown win and you have to keep fighting with every ounce of strength you can muster, even if it’s only with words on Facebook, in blogs, and face to face with those you meet.”

The idea of community has been suggested, and it is an idea I not only agree with but am very familiar with. It can work not only in the form of organizing but by providing the support we all need to survive the hurt of caring too much, and it will help keep us from losing hope again.

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Once There Was a Time

­­­Last week I shared one of my favorite radio memories in “A Radio Christmas to Remember.” This week I’m returning to another time and place. Just like everyone else, this time of year is my time for remembering, regretting, and rejoicing. Beginning in January 2017, I’ll start writing new blogs and do what I like to do, which is to tell a good story. Until then, I hope you’ll like these blogs from months gone by of memories that seem like lifetimes ago.

Once there was a time. It was a perfect storm of music, issues, and people all coming together at just the right time in just the right way in just the right places. Once there was a time that I think will never be equaled, and sometimes when I feel old—and those times happen more and more to me every day now—I see something or hear some music from the 1960’s and very early 1970’s, and I remember and  I smile. I smile knowing that yes, once there was a time, and I was there.

A very good friend told me the other day that I was his favorite hippie, and I told him it was likely that I am the only hippie he knows given our age difference and that we old hippie radio DJ’s are a dying breed.

I think many younger people today, and even some in my age group who might have somehow escaped the scars of the sixties, don’t realize that their idea of hippie is not what they might think. All hippies were not pot heads dancing naked at Woodstock or jamming to the Dead at the Fillmore. To me and to a lot of others, it was a belief, a lifestyle, and a commitment that while the world was not perfect, we could and would make it better.

I said “scars of the sixties” because of something I call “movement casualties.” We are the survivors who once believed so strongly in–and forgive me for using these terms—peace and love and making changes for the better, and then we watched as all our hopes crumbled. We watched as John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King fell to hatred stronger than our love. We watched as Brian Epstein, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Ron “Pigpen” McKernan­­­­­­­­, ­­Phil Ochs, and many others left us behind. But we kept on believing, and maybe for many the final blow came when John Lennon was killed.

We old hippies learned that all the things we thought we could do were not strong enough to stop bullets of hate or the despair of a drug overdose or a raging social or political lunatic.

My friend replied to my statement about being a dying breed by telling me it was time to pass the torch and joked that he would start growing out what was left of his hair, growing it long. I said the tie dye was optional, but he would need either a peace earring or a pendant.

Just recently I realized that I was indeed tired. Maybe I had continued the struggle longer than most and got tired of trying. I posted this on Facebook last Wednesday: “I quit. I am tired of jokers and fools and arguments. I am tired of trying to convince anyone that certain things are just plain wrong, so I quit. I tried. Now go on and believe what you want, do what you want, and say what you want because it has become obvious that nothing I can say will make a difference in your way of thinking. So I quit. More on this on Sunday.” Well, here it is Sunday.

Maybe I should go put on some Grateful Dead or John Lennon music and remember and be glad that once there was a time. It was a perfect storm of music, issues, and people all coming together at just the right time in just the right way in just the right places. And I was there.

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A Radio Christmas Remembered

As keeper of the light, I maintain contact with others who dwell in the darkest part of day, the night people. I love night people. They walk on the other side of life, often by choice,

I suppose everyone gets nostalgic around holidays. I certainly do, and I’m not even a big participant in what has become holiday madness instead of holiday joy. I love the ads that tell me how much money I can save by spending twice as much as I would have spent.

New Year’s Day especially has always been a time of reflection, gladness, and regret for me. Even as a young person, I always had that special someone or moment to look back on. As we grow older those moments become greater in importance.

I have not done live radio since 2006, and sometimes I miss it. After all, how can you not miss something you yearned for from boyhood and once had. Then I talk to friends who confirm what I already know. Radio is not the radio of my day but a homogenized, programmed system of corporate brainwashing that keeps personalities under control. I am grateful I worked in radio when it really did mean something when underground FM radio broadcasting was fun and creative.

The story that follows I wrote two years ago, but it happened over 40 years ago. I am republishing it here because it is real, and it matters, and people tell me it is one of their favorite pieces. And it is one of my special memories of Christmas.

December, around the year of ’82, 1982, wind-blown snow, middle of the night (or morning. After all, what is 3 a.m.?). The snow, the kind that sneaks up on you, slowly drifts, quietly getting deeper. It moves across a large, deserted parking lot, transforming this lonely place. This deserted piece of asphalt is being molded into the Montana or Wyoming Prairie, a perfect backdrop as Merle Haggard asks the Big City to turn him loose. Though not that far from the city of Boston, it is easy to feel cut off from the rest of the world, watching this snow fashioning beauty from desolation. I will likely not see another human for at least three more hours. I am the keeper of the light from midnight to 6 a.m. I can still see most of my car, but whether or not I’ll be able to move it when the morning comes is doubtful, even if relief is able to get to me.

As keeper of the light, I maintain contact with others who dwell in the darkest part of day, the night people. I love night people. They walk on the other side of life, often by choice, and my way of reaching them is from a country radio station operating from the basement of a small strip mall in the middle of nowhere but reaching everywhere, an AM signal that sails across flat lands and water, especially at night, and I am the only show in town, the only one playing music on the AM dial in the middle of a lost time zone.

About once a week I get a call from a cross country trucker. As he enters Rhode Island and starts to pick up my signal he calls— “The California Kid is on the line”—and this time wishes me a Happy Holiday and as usual requests a few tunes to help him reach the state of Maine a few hours away. I am his traveling companion.

I also get calls from Alice. Alice drives all over the area maintaining ATM machines, and she calls once or twice a week as she makes her rounds. I never meet Alice as she is a little like the coyotes that patrol the prairie parking lot, preferring to remain elusive. I call her Dallas Alice, from the Little Feat tune “Willin’,” which goes out to her each time she calls.

On this snowy night, Alice calls to wish me a Merry Christmas and says to wait a few minutes then look outside the door.  We end the call, I queue up “Willin’,” and go up the few steps to the door. There waiting for me, already collecting snow, is a small prelit Christmas tree and a card that says, “Merry Christmas from Dallas Alice.” I see her footprints across the snow. She had parked near the entrance so she could easily get back on the main road.

I never met Alice, but she left footprints in my mind, and I never met the California Kid, but we road many a lonely highway together. A woman named Alice, Dallas Alice, and the lonely trucker, the California Kid, on a cold snowy night so many years ago, gave me a lifetime of Christmas smiles.

Rating: 1 out of 5.

Something There Is

Something there is that is special about the smell of pine trees on a hot, dry, still day in the Deep South. As an 8 or 10-year-old boy, I had the joy of living on a very large farm in Tennessee where there was a long dirt road that led to a nearby lake, not a lake at all but a watering hole for the cows. It was, to be sure, no more than a hole dug in the dirt that was filled with water, sometimes by the rain, sometimes by some mysterious creek that would form and roll down the hill from the farmhouse, and sometimes, I suspect, by my grandfather. Surely no fish could survive there, but my grandfather had me believing that the mother of all catfish lived in this muddy hole, so there I would go. My fishing gear was a long stick with some twine and a bucket of worms.

Alongside the road grew wild strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, an occasional apple tree, and other edibles provided uniquely and only by Mother Nature. In the deep thickets, mysterious creatures of the woods were hiding. It was an absolute certainty that the biggest catfish ever caught would be brought back to the farmhouse on that day. It didn’t matter that the catfish was the ugliest fish to ever swim in the water and that deep down inside I hoped to never pull one out of that hole in the ground, much less have to pull one off a hook. There was still no doubt this would be a banner day in the world of catfish catching (or with any luck at all, no caught fish, and the dream would be alive for tomorrow).

The farm belonged to my uncle and aunt on my mother’s side, and my grandfather also lived there. He was probably around 90 at the time because he died at 98 when I was about 18. He lived in the basement of the farmhouse, a place he had made comfortable with blankets handwoven from the sheep’s wool and pillows made from burlap bags stuffed with chicken feathers. There was a huge fireplace that not only served to keep the basement warm but vented heat throughout the house. I remember him carrying over his shoulder large logs from the woods, cutting them into fireplace-size pieces, and loading up the basement for the winter. My grandfather never saw a doctor and would sit on a stump and pull his teeth. As I said, he lived to be a very healthy 98, and I sometimes think he would still be going strong, but it was time, and he had other things to do.

I treasure a true working man’s farm, especially in the Deep South in the 1950s. Did you ever smell a barnyard filled with pigs, cows, sheep, horses, dogs, and chickens on any given blistering day? Did you ever catch the sweet smell of pine trees and honeysuckle?

It was long ago, but I’m sure the road is still as dusty, the sun still blazes down as hot, and bare feet still hurry to the cool water, bringing relief to the feet and fish to the pole. Something there is about such a day that lives fresh in the mind of the man that was once the boy walking on that dirt country road. Something there is that refuses to separate one from the other, the boy still walking down that road and the man simply standing to the side, not remembering but watching, as a witness to the experience, keeping that juncture of time alive. Perhaps in that way life continues.

I wish I could find that place again and stand on the back porch of that farmhouse and smell those smells like the man of today and not the boy of yesterday. Something there is that is delightful about that thought.

Rating: 1 out of 5.